Medical notes
(from Jester - 24 April 2001)
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for more than one year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
The patient has been depressed ever since she started seeing me in 1983
Patient was released to out patient department without dressing
I have suggested that he loosen his pants without standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully
Patient has left his white blood cells in another hospital
The patient's past medical history has been remarkabley insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airoplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up
She is numb from her toes down
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children
Patient was alert and unresponsive
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
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Comments
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mdr2973: proof that medical professionals have the best drugs(03/05/2007)
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college kid: so funny! it keeps me wanting to be in college and make notes like this one day(24/04/2007)
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boo: great and very funny!!(02/02/2007)
- ha: great stuff really, and we send them to school for 8 years(04/11/2005)
- anonymouse!: this is actually what happens...most medical notes are indecipherable anyway!(18/10/2005)
- jenna: fantastic. a very good laugh.(27/07/2005)
