Underground humour from our train drivers
(from Various - 31 July 2009)
Sometimes you need humour like this to get you though the rush hour. Train drivers - we applaud you.
The following are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed.It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
"Please allow the doors to close.Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'.The two are distinct and separate
instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck
in the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down here and shove them up your a**e sideways"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
For more underground news and stories, please go to http://www.goingunderground.net Find other Travel articles
Comments
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Frankie: Ahhh these are true, I've heard a few funny statements myself. I wish I could remember them word for word, but one tube driver made an exasperated comment to a woman attempting to get her pram on the train, and another driver delivered the blunt truth to us when we got stuck in a tunnel.
"Well, as you can see, we're being held here, because... well I don't know why. No one thought to inform me, ladies and gents."
We need more drivers like this... only 10% of tube drivers have the guts to have a sense of humour. We need more laughs!(24/06/2009)
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r: Some of those were very funny.
(03/12/2008)
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clare: class, love to hear that personally(21/06/2007)
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ryan: this wed site is well acccceeee
i love it xx(23/05/2007)
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The Mullinator: Brilliant more lke this please(01/07/2006)
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Stephanie-ann M: Kudous and bravo exactly what we are all thinking(27/01/2006)
- chris: nice one .cheers up a rainyday im having!(30/09/2005)
- Mutley: These are true!!! I live in London, and have heard similar and funnier. Our tube drivers are funny men (and women).(31/08/2005)
- proton: None of this is true. SOmeone has made it all up and you have all fallen for it.(29/07/2005)
- bill smith: hillarious, great.(13/06/2005)
- slickchickjen: LOL. love it! Jen x(10/06/2005)
- Prashanth: I would love to hear few more, when I visit London. Really funny. Kudos to the drivers.(08/06/2005)
- dom: but you left of "Yargh prepare to be boarded"........wait sorry wrong website (25/05/2005)
- Craig Atkinson: Really funny, made my day(25/05/2005)
- Paul: Put the Pie down four eyes... I like that!(25/05/2005)
- Shaun: Stuck in Jordan away from home made me laugh !! thanks(11/05/2005)
- Keerti Baker: Hilarious! And soooo REAL! (11/05/2005)
- johnny: utter bollocks (11/05/2005)
- Purr: V funny. Made me laugh on a very dull day in the office.(19/04/2005)
- Fizzle: I bet most of these are on the Victoria Line.(05/01/2005)
- benjamin: its true i said two of those things myself!!!(30/12/2004)
- cragtherag: (28/10/2004)
- Bobby Jo: Very funny(23/09/2004)
