Scientists remove the need for men!
(No user rating) (from http://www.timesonline.co.uk - 31 July 2009)Well, here are a few things they're still good for ….. followed by a selection of things women are useful for!
1 Catching spiders2 Bringing you tea in bed in the mornings.
3 Forgetting your anniversary, but then wildly overcompensating with a completely over-the-top gesture, preferably involving diamonds.
4 Making your limited capacity for grooving look positively Madonna-esque by dancing around you wildly, arms and legs jerking like a demented puppet.
5 Ensuring that the children learn to play happily on their own by applying special male method of childcare, namely sitting on the sofa reading the paper while they set fire to the house.
6 Keeping Coleen Rooney in handbags by continuous funding of endless, dreary football games.
7 Explaining the rules of cricket, slowly and in words of one syllable, every two years.
8 Helping to keep you fit and supple by generously leaving towels, socks and other items of personal attire dotted around the floor for you to pick up.
9 Using the last drop of milk before, very helpfully, putting the empty carton back in the fridge.
10 Looking nice in a dinner suit. Every man has an inner James Bond.
11 Driving up very close behind you on the motorway and flashing his lights repeatedly. So sweet to notice your new highlights . . .
12 Loading all the glasses the wrong way up in the dishwasher.
13 Catching man-flu.
14 Removing dead mice from the house.
15 Encouraging Britain’s thriving shed manufacturing industry.
16 Being able to wear the same pair of shoes for 25 years before buying a new pair. .
17 Eating full-size Mars bars.
18 Warming the bed.
19 Reading, and actually understanding, instruction manuals for small electrical devices.
20 If not exactly fixing the car, then at least looking purposeful until the AA turns up.
21 Ordering a lovely big bowl of chips in a restaurant which you then eat most of — without, of course, having actually ordered any yourself.
22 Mixing the perfect gin and tonic.
23 Standing behind you for emotional support as you creep downstairs to investigate those strange noises . . .
24 Constructing your son’s 10,000-piece Lego Death Star.
25 Doing price comparisons for car insurance.
26 Setting the sat-nav.
27 Working out how to fold up the wretched double buggy.
28 Doing up the zip on your dress.
29 Keeping the local Indian takeaway in business.
30 Eating the children’s leftovers (it makes the eco-wash on the dishwasher much more effective).
31 Sky Plus-ing The Wire.
32 Making sure there’s always enough party ice in the freezer.
33 Sweetly buying you size 12 underwear when in actual fact you’re at least a size 16.
34 Helping the children with their trigonometry homework
35 Going to the dump.
36 Delivering a rip-roaring best man speech.
37 Being Father Christmas, and beards in general.
38 Opening jars (as loosened by you).
39 Carving.
40 Watering the toilet seat. What is it, a plant?
41 Making fire.
42 Managing to ruin a perfectly plumped-up sofa within precisely three seconds.
43 Going up into the loft.
44 Presenting Top Gear.
45 Doing air guitar.
46 Suddenly remembering a very pressing telephone call whenever there’s even the whiff of a dirty nappy.
WOMEN ARE USEFUL FOR……………………:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article6715255.ece
1 Employing tens of thousands of children in the developing world, through her retail habits
2 Answering all the boy-band questions in the pub pop quiz.
3 Remembering the birthdays of friends, family and long-forgotten godchildren.
4 Having a unique method of navigation (“No, the other left”).
5 Fishing, outrageously, for compliments.
6 Reminding you about Mother’s Day. Twice.
7 Saying that you’re not romantic enough and then complaining about your choice of restaurant.
8 Looking great in a little black dress. Every woman has her inner Audrey Hepburn.
9 Being paranoid about running out of petrol (you know the car will do 50 miles after the warning light comes on, but would it hurt to fill up now?).
10 Restacking the dishwasher after you’ve done it.
11 Writing thank-you notes after Christmas.
12 Saving the planet, one toilet-roll tube at a time.
13 Finding something to like about your football team, even if it is only that Cesc Fŕbregas “has a nice smile”.
14 Moaning that you never cook dinner, and then getting all control freakish when you try to take over the kitchen.
15 Asking questions to which there is no winning answer.
16 Wearing the lingerie that you bought her on Valentine’s Day at least once.
17 Saving Hugh Grant and Colin Firth from being unemployed.
18 Getting the kids to school on time ... with their homework, dinner money, PE kit and the signed letter allowing them to go on the school trip on Friday.
19 Randomising your CD collection by putting the wrong artists in the wrong cases.
20 Hearing your sotto voce cursing from three rooms away.
21 Coming over all Florence Nightingale, when you both know it’s just a cold.
22 Making the prospect of moving into a studio flat and losing half your income seem desirable.
23 Being able to have a 15-minute phone conversation when a five-minute one will do.
24 Knowing when the sheets need changing.
25 Enthusiastically dancing with children and old people at weddings so that you can concentrate on propping up the bar and making salacious comments about the bridesmaids.
26 Buying that really nice-smelling shampoo.
27 Communicating with animals, plants and babies.
28 Staying awake all night worrying about when your teenage children will come home.
29 Fixing your bow tie.
30 Buying you new pants and socks.
31 Choosing your aftershave (you thought Lynx was OK?).
32 Preventing you from becoming a sports bore by filling up the diary to coincide with all major sporting events.
33 Making you fashionably late by coming downstairs in a dress, going back up, changing, and coming back down again in a remarkably similar dress. Then asking you if you preferred the first one.
34 Encouraging your kids’ artistic talents, despite all the mess that they’ll make with the glue, paint and egg boxes.
35 Breastfeeding.
36 Remembering all those little details about your children that alcohol, stress and old age have wiped from your memory.
37 Preventing the early onset of Alzheimer’s by making you guess which tiny, imperceptible slight she is cross with you about today.
38 Being more embarrassing than you are when drunk.
39 Solving the recession by buying “investment” fashion items.
40 Reminding you that the mightiest power on the planet is not Russia, or Iran, or the British Army, but a humble sex hormone called oestrogen.
41 Letting you be the knight in shining armour when she didn’t really need rescuing.
42 Knowing everything about your kids’ education when you struggle to remember which class they are in at school (“Is it 9, er, K?”).
43 Being an expert in internet shopping, yet incapable of replacing the printer cartridge. .
44 Pretending that she’s grateful after you’ve spent all Sunday tidying the shed.
45 Indulging you when you describe how the goal you scored on Sunday was up there with the one that Ricky Villa scored against Manchester City in the 1981 FA Cup final.
46 Diagnosing your child’s latest development problem.
47 Giving away your most unfashionable clothes to charity (without you realising).
48 Giving you the biggest half of whatever it is that you’re sharing.
49 Checking any handwashed dishes for “missed bits”.
50 Justifying the premium that you paid to protect your no-claims bonus.
51 Spending enough on her highlights to make you feel OK about buying yourself a new iPhone, Sky subscription or Premier League season ticket.
52 Spitting in a handkerchief and then rubbing it on your face because you’re grubby.
53 Salvaging the dinner you’ve totally messed up.
54 Going through the other DIY jobs that need doing while you balance on a ladder trying to fix something else.
55 Propagating the human race.
